Apparently I'm way into graphic quote things as of late.  I saw this today and it fit in perfectly with what I've been thinking about all day.  Today at flute I had to improv on the repeats of a couple Bach and Handel menuettos.  I hated it.  I'm always follow the book!  If someone gives me a specific task, I'll follow it completely.  Tell me extremely vaguely and leave it up to me, I'll struggle.  I've never considered myself an extremely creative person.  I worry too much about what people think and how they'll react to what I say.  I never ask questions in class.  I keep my opinions to myself.  I 'm an all around people-pleaser.   And that's something I want to change about myself.  I fear what others might say or that they might judge me if I'm wrong so I stay quiet.  By why?   That's no way to live.  I want to live a creative life!  So I need to get over my fear of being wrong.  I feel like I'm the "smart girl" and I hate it.  I feel like when I don't get the high on a test or whatever, everyone around me freaks out.  On every stats, psych and English test this year I'm always asked. "What did you get."  If it was the high, people freak out that I ruin the curve.  If I didn't do as well, they rejoice that "I beat Mechale!".  I'm not perfect!  I make mistakes too.  And it drives me insane that people measure up to me.  Honestly, I'm sure that sounds conceited, but I promise, its not.  I absolutely hate it.  So I think that this is where my fear of being wrong stems from.  It honestly hurts that when I mess up or someone beats me that they act like its a huge deal.  I'm fine if someone gets a score better than me.  That's great!  But its when it turns into "Mechale didn't do very well, even I beat her! What the heck?" that it hurts.  This sounds all wrong, I can't explain it.  But this blog really is for me and my catharsis so whatever.  I just want to be fine with being wrong.  I can handle being wrong, but its the fact that if I'm wrong someone says something to make a big deal out of it that is frustrating.  And now I'm rambling.  But moral of the story-  I want to live a creative and spontaneous life but I feel like I'm held back by judgements I suppose others are making.  Which is no way to live.  Now that I recognize it, though, I can change it.  I don't need to be afraid of making a mistake.

mechale lauren