**Please excuse my incoherent remarks and stream of conscious. Also, this post is for me. I'm in NO WAY trying to sound stuck up or cocky or humble or whatever. This truly is something that is hard for me to deal with.**
I'm getting a little tired of hearing "35."
Its making for awkward situations. I told 4 people. Hannah, Natalie, Johnny and Jane. The first three were with me when I found out. Why does everyone know?
They say good job and I say thanks. And then what am I supposed to say? I ask them what they got. Just because mine might have been higher they can't tell me? And then I tell them that theirs is good because I honestly think it is but they say I'm just being nice. But then by telling them theirs is good am I making mine sound like I think its spectacular? That's not the goal. I'm thrilled for them. I'm proud of myself, but I don't want everyone knowing about it. I don't know how mine happened. I studied, I tried. What more am I supposed to say?
Then the counselors call me in to meet with ALL of them.... uhhh. okay, weird. Then we discuss my plans and I realize that my dreams could come true. It's a good feeling.
But maybe lets just keep this quiet. I'm not appreciating this attention from everyone and their dog. Why hasn't it blown over yet? Why does everyone know?
Sometimes I hate being the smart one. I HATE it. I hate the feeling of being used for tutoring. I hate the feeling of not doing well and disappointing my parents. I hate the feeling of people labeling you "smart." I hate the feeling that people expect perfection.
So what if I would love to go to Stanford. So what if I want to be a mechanical engineer.
I love school. I'm extremely grateful that my brain comprehends and processes well. I truly am. But sometimes its hard. I'm sick of saying "umm, I got a 4.0" "yeah, I'm in AP Calc BC." I'm sick of jaws dropping. What am I supposed to say other than "thanks?" It's not easy. I hate when my friends say they'd trade anything for my brain. Life is a lot more than doing well in school, okay?
It's frustrating. And these recent events haven't helped my dilemma. Ugh. Can I just go to college and be in the company of minds more intelligent than mine? Listen to their views and ideas and learn from them. I want to come up with my own conjectures and theories. I want to research something that will make a difference. I want to associate with the best professors and have access to the best facilities. I want to learn. I want an education.
But then, in the back of my mind, I'm reminded that I want to be a mother. I want to be a stay at home mother. So should I go to BYU? Should I just please my parents, bishop, brother, friends, family and focus on getting married by age 20? But I want the best education I can get! Is it right for me to put off a family for only a couple years so I can become educated? Why can't I consort with the most ambitious young adults for a few years? It's not like I wouldn't go to institute or would date sketchy fellows.
Oh I don't know. I have some time but I'm sick of trying to fit the mold that everyone expects of me. I know this all sounded very jumbled and no, I'm not going to proofread it. Deal with it.
I promise I really am a happy person:)
mechale lauren
p.s. could friday at 2 please come sooner? I'm done with this whole waiting thing.
holy. fetch. YOU ROCK. I know you don't want to hear that, but you totally do. way to go!
ReplyDelete35? really? come on girl, you could do better. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd you'll be a mom someday, don't worry about it. And you should NOT get married before you're 20, I'll be disappointed if you do... oh ya and remember how I WANT you to go to Stanford?! At least apply. Not that BYU isn't wonderful, it is. But it's not for everyone. You'll figure it all out I'm sure.
Also also, I am SURROUNDED by wonderful mom's who are high power attorneys principles, doctorate degree holders and the like. They are in my ward and I've LOVED getting to know them. They are intelligent and educated, and they are also mom's. You really can have it all, you just have it at different stages of you life, there's a time for school, a time to be a mom, a time to give back to your community, and the timing is different for every single person. I'm grateful we've been taught that being a mother, one that puts her children first, is important. But don't let it tie you down, let it free you.
p.s. I think the best thing about you is NOT your brain. just sayin. I think it's that you relate to people, and you're kind. Really I tell Rob all the time I'm grateful to be close to you in our family because you're the glue that holds everyone together. Not because you're brainy, but because you're interested in what's going on with Jordan, because you adore johnny, and laugh at all Chris's jokes, because you're good to Paige and she looks up to you, and because you keep me filled in with the fam with all your calls and texts.
SO ya, way to have a brain, but I'm more impressed with your heart.
Good Luck on Friday!
Amen Erin!! :) Mechale.. a 35 is incredible. There is nothing wrong with being intelligent. Isn't that why we are here on this earth? To gain as much knowledge as we can?? I love you darlin. You are going to make an amazing mother one day when the time is right for you.
ReplyDeleteLove you~!
PS: Erin, what if I got married before 20? Does that mean you'll be disappointed in me????